Oh, believe it! Dreams are coming true! Now no more talking set the mood... Ok, wait... wait... wait, I know I said no more talking, but I got one more thing to say. This is probably the best day of my life. I just thought you should know that before you go any further. Ok, now get naked.

Fuck me. This is seriously like the best wave of good shit that has ever happened in my whole entire life. I knock out Mackworthy's eye, then I get to see April's big ass tits and have sex to her. It's like all of the horrible disgusting shit I had to put up with here is finally paying off.

Well, to tell you the truth, I've changed a lot since I left baseball. Learned a lot of lessons and shit. I'm pretty much, in a lot of ways, a brand new man. But, yeah. That stuff is still all the same.

I'm ready to fucking butt-fuck this party! Let's fucking fuck eachother! Yeah.... That's going too far. These are my nephews. That's not funny to fuck kids.

Fuck all that fine Cuban pussy. Your olive skin bests that any day of the week.

If you need me, I'll be cruising in my Escelade... my Denali.

The amount of money I'm gonna be making would hurt your parents feelings. You remember the class where I taught you all how to make it rain? That's what I'm going to be doing every, single night. Dollar, dollar bills, y'all.

My replacement comes very highly qualified. And please, please, please don't let the fact that Miss Carol is a lesbian put you off to her. You know how you all think there's two kinds of lesbians? There's the kind on Cinimax that get it on and are really hot, and there's the mean kind? Miss Carol is neither of those.

Before I go, I don't want to leave you empty handed, I'm going to be signing a personalized headshot for each and every one of you. The only thing I would ask is that you would have your name prepared, because I don't want to have to ask the same question thirty fucking times.

When I'm gone, you need to look after this place, man. I mean, this is our home town. This shithole helped shape us. You must guard it and protect its royal vagina.

I have enjoyed getting fucked up with you here, Clegg. It's crazy, man, how our journey here is basically coming to an end. You know, I'm going on to fucking bigger and better things, and you're gonna probably just stick around back here just... just still doing... you know, the... the stuff that you're doing. The time spent with you is crucial to me getting through all the bullshit I needed to get through. I'll always be in debt to you. You know, I hope that there's some way I can pay you back for what you've done for me here.

April, I know all this. But I do like hearing it, so go on.

Listen here you beautiful bitch, I'm about to fuck you up with some truth.

Look Cutler, I know you must be torn up knowing that I had sex with your fiancee. Look, there's something else you should know as well... Look, you win. I asked her to come with me to Tampa, and she said no. She said that she had a life here. So, you got her.

You won, motherfucker. You won.

No offense, but... You got a shitty job, you're not quite as tall as me, nobody really respects you... Now, me on the other hand, I got the glory. I get the fame, the money, the jewels, the cash, the Denali. Getting drunk on the reg, fucking good times on the reg, yachts on the reg, sex on the reg. Basically, all the shit that most men fantasize about. But you get April.

I'm sorry, Cutler. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to kiss on her pussy, your fiancee. That happened, too. I guess that's just the way this fucked up world works.

When I first met you, I'll be honest with you, you were a little bitch. But now, I'm looking at you... To me, you seem like a dude who knows what's up. You don't take shit from anybody, you smoke weed on the reg. Quite frankly, you're somebody I'm proud to know. And you're somebody who deserves a whole hell of a lot more than just being an assistant.

Today I'm here for you, Jefferson Davis Middle. Being a man of my stature, walking in here on day one was the lowest point of my life. But now, I realize that God had a purpose. God wanted to show me hell so that when I got back to heaven, I would finally appreciate it. And for that, I would like to thank each and every one of you. Because, without that knowledge, without that lesson, I never would have been able to..... What the fuck man, I'm trying to give a memorable speech here.

Remember me, Jefferson Davis Middle. I was your savior. I was your knight in shining armor. And each of you, were the chinks in upon my armor. Each of you were the chinks! You all were the chinks! Remember me, my chinks. Remember me! Remember me!

Alright, you stoic little bastard. In the computer room, you know the second drawer where I keep my weed? Underneath the handgun there's a stack of porn that will put calluses on those little hands of yours.